I went back into the office on January 21st. I went in from 3-5pm, and made sure my first time back was on a Friday. I was more nervous about what people would think than anything. I was nervous that people would not expect me back because the most common perception of a stroke survivor is someone who cannot function normally. I was also nervous that even though I can do anything and function perfectly, I still sound funny and if you pay attention enough, you can still see that I’m uncoordinated. I found that I was nervous for no reason. Everyone was happy to have me back; and though some admitted that they were scared and prayed for me, all of the people at the office treat me the same as they used to treat me. I started part-time, and switched to full-time on February 14th.
Work now is pretty much like old times. I can still sense when some people treat me with kid gloves, but it’s easily acceptable. It’s more out of concern, and I have learned to accept that, whereas before I got sick, I refused anyone’s help. It’s the same as at home; I’d prefer to do things by myself, but accepting help has become much easier, which I learned from my stroke.
Also, apparently I was missed. I now take my absence as an opportunity to step up and be more of a mentor to those who need it. Five years is not a long time in terms of a career, but it’s a lot for a consultant. I’ve learned a lot from my experiences, and also from my superiors. Now my intention is to pass that knowledge down. I’d also like to pass down my perspective on life; although not everyone has experienced what I have, or have had something similar, but I do think that everyone can benefit from an optimistic outlook on life.
I won’t lie; I do have days where I hit rock-bottom. I do sometimes feel shitty or ask “why me?” or feel angry about what happened. My speech therapist says those are normal, that they are part of the grieving process, and that I do have to grieve for the woman I used to be but lost. Thankfully those days are getting fewer and further between. I’m not happy-go-lucky all the time. I’m just a normal person who has bad days, and tries to make the others worth living. I have to take everything one day at a time; if I try to look at everything as a whole, I get overwhelmed and break down. Taking one day at a time, though cliché sounding, helps me keep going.
In order to make a recovery like mine, you have to want it badly. Since I am home now, and even though I am surrounded by people who love me, everything is really up to me. Getting sick has taught me a lot, but some important lessons I have learned are that anything is possible if you want it badly enough and that people who love you or have your best interests in mind will follow your lead.
Wanting to recover fully has led people to help me along the way. Because I want it, doctors have told me I can have it as long as I work for it. I’ve gotten encouragement from everyone, including family, friends, coworkers and even people I barely speak to or who don’t even know me at all! And because I want it so badly and have gotten the encouragement I need, I truly believe that I will recover fully from my stroke.
My brother came to visit from 1/31-2/5. Having him here was amazing. My big brother has always been so important to me; I was always the overachiever, but he has taught me a lot about being down to earth. I have always felt like a black sheep; I’m really different from him and the rest of my family, but he knows how to bridge that gap. I don’t even think he knows that. He got to see Reno, and although my brother and I are so different, he gets me and now understands why I want to live here. He met mostly everyone who is important to me out here. Most importantly, he got to see that I’m ok and I got to see that even though he can’t be here all the time, I and my recovery are always at the forefront of his mind.
I can run now. I look like an idiot doing it, but hey, I’m lucky to be doing it at all. I run a lot slower than I used to. I used to average a 9 minute mile, with my marathon pace a 9:40-10:00. Now my pace is a mile in 15 minutes, but I get tired way faster than I used to. Baby steps, I keep telling myself. I go every Tuesday now, as long as weather allows and I feel ok, and starting February 26th I plan to add in Saturdays as well. The 10k group starts February 22nd and my races are in May, June and October. I can definitely do it; I just have to work my way up again. It’s like starting to run all over again. If anything, this is my chance to learn again the right way, and not do things the hard way.
My mom and brother went home together on February 5th. I have been alone since. Even though I am alone in my apartment, I’m not truly alone. I have the most amazing friends here, and I see at least one of them almost every day. I have started working full time, have finished OT and am just about done with PT. I am still going to speech therapy twice a week and I’ll start going to the speech pathology center at the University of Nevada-Reno in March. I hired a personal trainer and see him three times a week. I have had follow ups with all my doctors, and see them periodically. I’m still on Coumadin until further notice. All the pieces are in place; it’s now up to me to pave the way to a full recovery.
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