Haha, so it has been forever since I posted!

Since my last post, I:

ran the Chicago Marathon in 4:49
ran the CIM Relay (legs 3 and 4) in 2:08
ran the Way Too Cool 50k in 7:15
paced my friend during the American River 50 for 24 miles
got a new job and moved to Seattle, Washington

WOW!
Seriously, the only thing you will notice is my speech, and even that is getting way better.  I'm not even sure what else to write for this blog.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  Life in Seattle, so far, has been great.  The job, although it's only been a week, has been everything I expected, and I have met some really great people.  Most people on my team know what happened becuase they found the blog on my profile, so that helped me escape from awkward conversations: "Hi, I'm Liani.  I almost died."  Haha.  But others do not know, and I'm waiting for the time when I have to explain.  But so far, no one has asked why I talk funny.  I don't know if it's out of fear or politeness or whatever; but the fact that no one has asked is reassuring.  Let us become friends first, then I can tell you my story.

Whatever happens, a fresh start is very exciting.

8 months and a Busy Summer

The lack of posts is due to everything that has been going on.  Since my last post, I finished a 10k, I did Bay to Breakers, I went back East for the first time since November, I took two business trips, my good friend got married, and I spent a weekend in Vegas.  I finished the 10k in 1 hour flat, which is about a 9:55 min/mi pace, and Bay to Breakers took us just under 1 ½ hours.  Just yesterday I ran 7 miles in 1:09.  The longest I’ve gone since the stroke is 16 miles (2 ½ hours) and I’m on track to finish the Chicago marathon in October in 5 hours or less.  Gibson comes with most of the time; he’s up to 14 miles and does great!  I got him a backpack to carry his own food and water on long runs and hikes.  He’s gotten somewhat bigger; he’s gained 12 lbs from the time I adopted him, but it’s mostly muscle.  He’s fully housebroken and knows lots of tricks now.  He’s a great companion, and his first birthday is next month (hint hint).  Oh, by the way, the Nevada Humane Society, where I adopted him from, is raising money through its annual duck race.  I adopted a ducky to support them, and I highly encourage you to adopt one:

http://www.nevadahumanesociety.org/duckrace.htm

I’ve enjoyed several hikes around the Tahoe area, and have had the luck of making a number of new friends.  I’ve been enjoying my freedom from Coumadin, too.  In early August, I went to Mammoth, CA to attend Bluesapalooza, a 3-day beer and blues festival.  It.  Was.  Amazing.  My drinking abilities are not what they used to be, but I’m happy to enjoy a few brews and the occasional bourbon without having to worry.

In October, a couple weeks after the marathon, Larcker is getting married in Philly.  And I will be there in my 4” heels.  I’m back to wearing heels like I used to; and the more precarious the shoe (like the 5” platform wedges I bought), the more trouble I have, but I feel comfortable in 3-4” heels.  I know she was worried about that, so rest assured I will be dancing the night away in my high heels.

Training at the gym is going well; we’ve progressed a lot.  Now I do intervals: I do a set of exercises
(squats, lunges, etc) then instead of resting I sprint on the treadmill for 30 seconds until I’ve done 3 sets.  Then we move on to intervals with a different exercise.  I think rehabilitation-wise, I’ve achieved all of my goals.  But I’ve lost 15 lbs since January, and I really like the results, so I continue to see Anthony 2 times a week.

Physically, in case you can’t tell, everything is almost normal.  I’m running just a tad slower that my previous pace, and I’m doing everything else within reason without problems.  The only hurdle I haven’t gotten past is jumping.  I have a mental block about jumping up onto something.  Jumping down is no problem.  But as soon as I brace myself to jump up (even if it’s a low platform), my brain says, “oh hell no.”  So that’s my next challenge.

My speech is coming along.  I went to UNR for speech therapy all summer, and plan to go back when the semester starts later this month.  My speech still is not anywhere near what I want it to be, but 8 months out I’m talking a whole lot faster and it’s more intelligible.  It’s sounding more natural too.  I’m betting within another year it’ll be close to normal.

I think it’s getting near time to go back to the rehab hospital and visit all the wonderful doctors, nurses and therapists who put me on the road to recovery.  I am a medical miracle, after all, and they need to see how their care in the first 2 weeks post event made such a positive impact.

Winning!

One thing the stroke taught me is not to wait to do the things I want to do.  I have wanted to get a dog for the longest time, so I finally did.  His name is Gibson, and he’s a 6 month old Australian Cattle Dog mix.  I got him from the Nevada Humane Society, and they said he was a stray.  Because he is so young, it requires a lot of patience to care for him, but he is learning fast.  He’s almost housebroken; I say almost because accidents do happen inside the house, but they are few and far between.  There hasn’t been an accident in over 2 weeks (I hope I did not jinx it).  He knows sit, stay and come for the most part, although he doesn’t really listen when there are a lot of distractions around.  He does well around other dogs and I have been taking him to the dog park a lot.

I think he makes a great running partner.  He has been with me a few times, and has done well considering he’s never run on a leash before.  He loves people, so running with the group is right up his alley.  People seem to love him too; he’s very cute, friendly and loves attention, so it’s no wonder that people love him.  He did 4.5 miles on Saturday, April 2^nd without problem, so I think as long as I’m careful about his buildup he will be fine. In terms of mileage, he can keep up with me.

In addition to getting Gibson, I bought a new car.  It’s a 2011 Subaru Outback Sport, and it’s awesome.  I’m so happy with it.  It came with overinflated tires but that was really easy to resolve.  In almost 3 weeks I’ve put 1200 miles on it already.

With those new acquisitions, I’m really happy.  I think I am satisfied for a while now.  The focus has returned to getting better.

Since my last blog post, my physical recovery has progressed a lot.  I’ve determined that at the gym, my balance and coordination are no worse than anyone else’s.  I am weaker, and Anthony and I are addressing that.  I’ve dropped down to two sessions a week but we have stepped up the pace.  He loves using all sorts of things that you would not imagine would be used in a gym; for example, I had to put my feet on a furniture dolly and walk on my hands.  Good upper body work out, it really make you curse.

My speech is coming along.  My clinician at UNR says I am doing really, really well.  We’re working on speech rate and intonation (using pitch to stress syllables, rather than force or effort).  Most people learn language when they are small, so you probably don’t remember how difficult it is to master English.  Because it is more difficult than I imagined, I am doing all these drills to try and sound more like my old self.

I’ve been back to the barn a few times since my last post.  When I felt ready, I tried riding a horse.  McKenna suggested I ride Gazeebo, since he is much easier to ride than the horses I regularly rode, Maddy and Ignite.  When I took Gazeebo around the ring, both McKenna and I realized my skill and ability were still there; it was just a matter of regaining strength and getting back in shape.  So this past Sunday, she let me try riding Maddy.  I like to say that anyone can sit on Maddy, but you have to know what you’re doing to really ride her.  Sunday went beautifully.  So beautifully in fact that even people not knowledgeable about riding can appreciate it.  I ran her through all the gaits; walk, sitting trot, posting trot, canter and did basic patterns with her.  Yes, it was hard, but it felt really, really good.  I was really happy and look forward very much to my next lesson.

My running has improved.  I am not going that much faster, but the activity itself has become a lot easier.  It’s hard to describe, but I no longer find myself catching my balance as often or tiring as quickly.  Since my stamina is up, I am no longer worried about my upcoming races; in fact, I have signed up for my first 10k since the stroke.  I am doing the Reno Rock and River 10k on May 1^st.  If you’re in town, I urge you to come out for the festivities.

http://rock-n-riverhalfmarathon.com/

I also got some really good news.  On April 1^st, I underwent an MRI.  They used contrast and took pictures of my head and neck; the intent was to see how my arteries are doing.  The Neurologist called me on Monday April 11^th to tell me everything has fully healed; my arteries look great inside and out, and there’s signs that my dissection has fully healed.  That is amazing.  Simply amazing.  Not only is my recovery going well, but now I have proof that my body and brain have healed.

The next step is to see a hemotologist.  He or she can look at samples of my blood from the day of the stroke, before I was put on blood thinners, to see if my blood has a natural tendency to clot when it is not supposed to.  If it does, well then that kind of sucks because I’ll have to stay on Coumadin for the rest of my life.  But if it doesn’t, since I am fully healed, I can come off!  Fingers crossed!

Next Wednesday, April 20^th at 7pm, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor is coming to speak in Reno.  She’s a Brain Scientist who had a stroke at the age of 37, and because of her background, was able to recognize everything that was happening to her.  It took her 8 years to fully recover, and she wrote a book about her experience.  Her book is A Stroke of Insight and next Wednesday, she will be lecturing about it.  I bought tickets, and I actually got really amazing seats (1^st row orchestra pit).

http://www.insightlecture.com/speakers/jill-bolte-taylor-ph-d/

So March was a super busy month for me, and it spilled over into April.  I’m just waiting for the weather to cooperate; it has been cold here, and I really am looking forward to the warm weather.

Oh, I almost forgot.  Since I picked UCONN as one of the final four, I won my office pool.  $140, but more importantly, beating all the guys I work with.  Bi-winning.

About this blog: I don’t really know what else to say.  Yes, I can update it periodically with my progress, but I feel I’ve made my point already.  A stroke, contrary to what most believe, is something you can recover from, I am literally living proof of that.  Stroke is the number three killer in this country and the number one disabler.  But if you survive, you can come back to a productive life.  The road is long and hard, but the key is you have to want to do the work yourself.  Yes I am very fortunate in that I have the greatest family and an amazing support system: Mom, Dad, Albee, Brian, Erica, Larcker, Lydia, Nicole, Brad, Michelle, Meaghan, et al (I can’t even name everyone).  But I chose to get better; where the stroke left me was unacceptable so I did something about it.  I did the work myself; they merely supported me in my decisions.

So with that said, I will update periodically and let you all know how I’m doing, especially after big events.  But you got the point already, and life is, well, normal for me now, and that’s what I wanted.  So I declare victory.

Me: 1

Stroke: 0

Lucky Week

This was a good week.  Obviously the 17^th was St. Patrick’s Day, and March 14^th was Steak and BJ day.  Really.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=March%2014th

I found out that my best friend, Nicole, is getting married.  We’ve been friends since freshman year of college, so that’s coming up on 10 years I think.  She’s back in NYC so she wasn’t physically here to help me, but she has stayed closely in touch with me so that I know she’s around to support me through everything.  We have the kind of friendship that will last forever: weeks can go by (I’d rather they not) without us talking, but the next time that we do talk or hang out, we can pick up right where we left off.  We’ve had plenty of practice at this; she’s a doctor, so I never saw her even when I lived in NYC haha.  I was not worried about our friendship when I moved; we have seen each other at our best and worst and I know that distance can’t change what we’ve been through nor will it change how we will support each other now or in the future.  I like her fiancé, and I’m really happy for her.

March Madness started; I picked Kansas, UConn, Pitt and OSU for the Final Four with Kansas winning it all.  I’m currently tied for second in my office pool.  The pot is $140, but more importantly, I want the bragging rights.

We also got good news about projects at work. If everything goes well, I should be able to stay in Reno for a while and not have to look for work elsewhere.

All of the good stuff that has happened should help me; I have to deal with my astronomical medical bills now.  First of all, I have insurance, but it seems that not all of the providers that billed me also billed my insurance.  The same is true for the reverse: it seems like my insurance paid providers that never billed me.  All in all I owe close to 12 or $13,000 when I should owe $10,000.  I should be able to afford everything, but I have to make sure I was billed correctly before I can begin paying it off.

Recovery-wise, things in general are going well.  Physically, of course, I am getting better.  Anthony has been challenging me with harder exercises at the gym, and my running has gotten better.  On Tuesday, I ran 2.25 miles without stopping in under 11 minutes.  That’s a 10:56 min/mile pace. Today I did not run, but I am really looking forward to Bay to Breakers in May and the RTO in June.

I’m still improving at RTEC.  I haven’t yet ridden a horse, but I’ve helped out at the barn and have groomed a couple horses so far.  My right arm isn’t quite what I want it to be yet, and I am right handed, so grooming horses is a little challenging, but I think it’s good for me.  Handling an animal that weighs almost a ton, cleaning its coat and picking up its hooves all do wonders for my confidence.  Also, horses are super-perceptive.  They can pick up on your physical and emotional condition immediately, so it forces you to be honest with yourself and face your demons.  You have to be honest with yourself in order to be strong for them because they feed off of your energy.  I have always loved that about them but I think that’s more important now than ever.  A lot of people are convinced that horses are good therapists; I’ve always believed that and I am positive that they can help me heal faster.

I had an appointment this week where I found out there’s a chance I have to stay on Coumadin permanently.  No, I don’t want another stroke, so if that turns out to be true, I will take the Coumadin.  But like I’ve already said, taking Coumadin blows.  Because of it, I have to limit a lot of stuff, and I love all the stuff I need to limit.  Plus I have to get my blood drawn every couple of weeks or so to make sure my INR levels are ok.  I will find out for sure after my next MRI and seeing a hematologist about clotting factors in my blood.  I hope I can come off of the medication.

On Thursday, I rode the elevator with someone I’ve never met before.  She was super nice, and asked me where my accent is from.  When I explained to her that I’m from NYC but my voice is the way it is because of my stroke, she tried to play it off like she didn’t notice that I talked different, but that instead I sound like a New Yorker.  Funny, right? She noticed my voice was different so she asked why, and when I told her she pretended I sound no different than any other New Yorker.  Anyway, I learned that there’s really no way to tell what happened to me; if you don’t know what happened last December, you can’t tell most of the time and if you do figure out something happened, you won’t know what happened.

To me, that means I have recovered.  Doctors were confident I would, but I attribute my recovery to my attitude and my belief that I would get better.  If you ask me, I was given all of the tools needed for a full recovery; an amazing family, great friends, good health and age were all on my side.  But those were only tools.  If I had chosen not to use them, they would have meant nothing.  I recovered because I chose to, and everything I had available to me in my life supported me in that decision.  Yes, I lucked out with my prognosis and support system, but it was because I chose not to roll over and give up that I got better.

12 weeks

Today is 12 weeks since I had my stroke.

I have progressed a lot.  Physically, I am much better.  I tried yoga on my Wii again.  Back in January, couldn’t do one-legged poses at all.  Now I can do them.  After yoga I bowled, because I needed something more fun.  I bowled a turkey.  First time since I got sick.

I’ve progressed in my running.  I’ve gone as far as 5 kilometers, and while I did have to slow down for some walking, I did 5k on a muddy and icy trail in 42 minutes.  I’ve gone from a 15 minute mile pace to an 11:40 minute mile pace.  To those who don’t run, shaving 4:20 (haha 420) off of your pace is incredible.  Really.  Even I, the survivor who does not think anything is good enough, am impressed.

I can use my balance board now, and am able to do more advanced movements at the gym with Anthony.  Today I tried out the slide board, where I can mimic what is best described as fast ice skating.  At first it was tricky, but I am getting the hang of it.  My balance is definitely getting better, so I know I can expand my horizons and do much of what I used to do soon.

http://www.vewdo.com/index

http://www.shapeupshop.com/plyometrics/ultra_slide_board.htm

I will continue training with Anthony because I do see results.  Today he really kicked my ass and all I wanted to do was curse, but overall I do see the benefits and I think they’re self explanatory.  He says I’m progressing much faster than he originally thought I would, and as a result, he calls me “a victim of my own success.”  Meaning I’m doing so well at the gym that the exercises are getting harder.  Hooray.  I’m so excited.

Speechwise, things are a bit easier.  I still sound off, but I rarely have trouble with people understanding me.  My speech therapy at Renown ended February 21^st, and I had an evaluation with the speech pathology department at UNR yesterday, March 8^th.  They seem to know how to help me; the evaluation consisted of reading passages aloud, conversational speech, saying certain words and sentences, making sounds and facial movements.  I will be going there on Tuesday mornings starting March 22^nd, so hopefully my speech will get much better.

Emotionally, well, there are ups and downs.  Overall, I think things are going well.  When I do get upset, it’s less about the stroke and more about things that happen to me in my daily, general life.  Things that would happen regardless of my health, so that’s normal right?  I think I have grieved for the person I used to be but lost; things are at times still difficult to deal with, but I like to think I have accepted what happened to me.  My family is going through a really rough time now; even though I am getting better, they have to deal with another blow to their strength besides what happened to me.  So that is hard to deal with.  I hate to sound callous, but sometimes it’s easier to not think about it and focus on me and my life.  It sucks, but it’s true.  I’m better able to deal with things if I am emotionally stable.  So when I feel that instability creeping in, I retreat and focus just on me.  It might be selfish, but if I’m going to be selfish at all, now is the time.  When I am better I will have more time and energy to devote to other people, and I plan on doing so.

Speaking of emotions, I went back to the barn to see McKenna, Deb and the rest of the RTEC crew.  Being there was hard at first, and if I think about it long enough it’s still hard.  I watched the two horses I rode the most being ridden by other people and was only able to think about what I used to be able to do.  I have to play the cards I’m dealt, but remembering the hand I used to have really sucks.  It was a good hand, and it’s hard to face the fact that I lost it.

I found out some bad things happened to them too while I was gone, but that they are recovering as well.  I was missed, and I’m welcomed there anytime, so hopefully together we can heal.  I plan on stopping by weekly to help out until I feel ready to ride.  Right now, I feel a little unbalanced and probably would fall off a horse, so I want to stay on the ground.  For now, I will groom, feed and lunge the horses.  One day, I’m sure I’ll be ready to ride again.

5 Star

So I went out with my friends on Saturday, February 19, and let me tell you, it’s hard to go out and have a good time.  You constantly worry about how you look, not tripping in your shoes and what you’re doing at that exact moment.  It’s a lot to think about.  Having a couple of drinks helps ease that tension and lets you take that stuff for granted, but because of the Coumadin, my alcohol intake is limited to two drinks per week.  Since I had already had one drink Friday night that meant that Saturday I could only have one.  That sucked big time.  I wish I had not had a drink Friday so I could have two on Saturday.  I used to be able to drink.  A lot.  I got drunk really fast, off of 2-3 drinks, but I could hold a lot.  I could easily have 4 manhattans or 6 beers over the course of a night and be fine.  Not to drive, but fine enough to still be functional, not fall and really enjoy myself.  Beer and bourbon were my drinks of choice, but I could do shots of almost anything.

So being limited to one drink really sucks.  I don’t know if it’s more of a tease than anything, but I savor what little is available to me like it’s the last thing on earth.  The one drink I had last Saturday was supposed to be a manhattan, but I got straight Maker’s from the bartender.  Awesome.  It was like the best thing ever.  I also cheated and had a kamikaze shot; mostly because I wanted it, but also because it had already been purchased and I don’t leave fallen soldiers on the field.  And yes, kamikazes are still gross; I prefer plain drinks.  I wish I could have had something else, something better.

I was out with Lydia and some other friends.  We ended up at 5 Star, which is an ‘alternative lifestyle’ bar, but more importantly, has some of the best dancing in Reno.  It’s a gay bar, and is notorious to some.  Lydia and I love going there because it is one of the few places we can go to and dance and people actually leave us alone, so we don’t have to worry about douchebags hitting on us.  They play cheesy music that everyone knows and pretends to hate but secretly loves.  They have poles and a cage for dancing, and a stage.  The DJ looks crazy and the bar is always packed; you get the idea.  It’s a great place to go later in the evening, when you’re well into the night, and you just want to let loose and have a good time.

I had a ton of fun at 5 Star, really, but I’m still trying to learn to dance like I used to.  I wore heels that night, chunky and short (3” to me is short), and like I said, I was used to wearing stilettos before I got sick, so I still found myself off balance at times.  Really I’m still trying to learn to be myself again.  It’s hard, harder than I thought it would be.  Because I spent so much energy thinking about everything, I ended up getting tired earlier than I expected and ended up going home a couple hours before I really wanted to.

Maybe it was a good thing that I went home before everyone else.  I heard the group split up and the night ended badly for some folks.  It happens to everyone; I have certainly had nights I’d like to forget.

Every time I go out, even though I do go home earlier than everyone else, I feel a little bit better than I did the last time.  So even though I ended up going home that night earlier than I wanted to, I still was out later than the time before that.  RRF had an unofficial pub crawl in late January and I went out with them.  I went home around 9:30pm.  My goal is to eventually be able to go out without even thinking about stuff like that.  I am learning to walk in heels again, which is a big part of how people identify me, and I am getting better at going out.  So I think after a while, things will be where I want them to be.

I want everything to be the same or better than what it used to be.  I’m pretty sure the Coumadin is temporary, so I won’t be restricted anymore.  Side note: before you go thinking that alcohol is my life, even though I love good beers and bourbon is my liquor of choice, I should tell you that being on Coumadin restricts me from a lot of things including foods with vitamin K (spinach, avocado and a lot of healthy foods) and activities where I’m likely to bleed, such as sports where I can fall or using a razor.  Once I’m off the meds, I can start drinking again, but my tolerance will be very low, and not what it used to be.  I will have to work on bringing it back up, just like everything else.  But unlike everything else, working on that will actually be lots of fun, and I know tons of people who will line up to help me.

 That night, my friends were all so understanding that having a good time with them was one less thing I had to worry about.  They have supported me so well that I want to be able to go out again without any of them worrying.  I want them to see that I’m ok despite almost getting taken out.  Yes, I gave everyone a scare, but I’m still here, and everything is ok.  Everything is good.

The worst is over, so now we can just let the good times roll.

Personal Training

While I was in the hospital, the rehab doctor said it would be a really good idea to hire a personal trainer after I completed physical therapy.  I had a personal trainer once back in NYC and I know how they are great at not only recommending physical activities, but most of them know the importance of motivation too, so I was definitely in agreement.  I had to tackle a lot first, but I knew eventually I wanted to hire one.

When PT started winding down for me I decided it was time to find a trainer.  How I found my personal trainer is a story in itself.

I went to get my hair cut in late January.  I had been to Melissa only once, before I got sick, but immediately she knew something happened.  I explained the whole story to her, and she was awed.  When I got to the part about needing a personal trainer, she reminded me that her fiancé is one.  I know Melissa is a bodybuilder and her fiancé is a trainer, but I never put two and two together.

Anyway, thanks to her, I was able to get in touch with Anthony.  Turns out the gym they work at, Push Your Limits, is a private gym, so there’s no monthly membership; you just pay for sessions with a trainer.  They have classes too.  Their clients range from professional athletes all the way to everyday people, so someone like me, an athlete who is recovering from an injury, fits right in.  Also, Anthony has been in the business for a very long time, so rehab work is not new to him.

In our first meeting, he asked me what are my goals.  My goal is plain and simple: although I was not a spectacular athlete, I was still an athlete, and I was pretty awesome (and humble as you can tell) before the stroke, so I wanted to be as close to what I used to be as possible.  If I come out of this better, then hey, I love exceeding my goals, so I will welcome it.

Anthony and I got to work immediately in early February.  I prioritized balance and coordination first, stamina second, and overall strength as a byproduct of the first three.  It seems to be working out that way.  I have had eight sessions with him and am already seeing results.  My overall strength has gone up exponentially, and so has my balance and coordination.  Most importantly, my stamina has increased.  When I started working with Anthony, I could barely run on the treadmill for two minutes on a 3% incline at 3.8 miles per hour.  Now, I can run at a 5% incline at 4.7 miles per hour.  It’s that increase in stamina that helped me complete 1.5 miles outside in under 18 minutes.

I meet with him three times a week.  The first session we work on arms, then for the second we work on legs, and core during the third.  He is a firm believer that a strong core helps everything else, so really my core gets worked during all three sessions.  Also, I worked in a pool with a friend of mine and she pointed out weakness in my right shoulder, so Anthony likes to target that as well.  A typical session is made up of alternating between an exercise and 2-3 minutes on the treadmill.  I hardly get any rest.

If you ask me, the sessions are hard.  Plus they’re in the early morning, so waking up at the ass crack of dawn sucks.  As the one who has to do the exercises, it is easy for me to complain and I don’t want the sessions to get harder.  That’s where Anthony comes in.  He knows to push me, because he knows I need it, and even though deep down I know I need it too, I’m not going to do it myself.

As a result, he has been changing the exercises, giving me new surfaces to work on and throw off my balance and higher weights to handle.

One new exercise he has is so awesome.  I love it.  In case you can’t tell, that’s sarcasm at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.  I know in the long run it will help me, but it sucks, really.

The exercise is meant for my abs, but works on my balance.  I have to do side planks.  I’m sure a lot of you have done side planks.  Big deal, you say?  I have to do side planks with my feet off the ground in gymnastics rings.  So there.

Rings = Bullshit.

It’s a good thing that this training is paying off, because it really sucks doing it.  Hiring Anthony has worked wonders, so hopefully I’ll continue to see results. I hope I do, and I think I will.  It better help me get better, otherwise both Anthony and I are in big trouble.